Are You A Bad Girl?

My favorite guilty little pleasure is back!

The third season of The Bad Girls Club premiered last night, and all I have to say is WOO HOO!

Has anyone else ever watched this human train wreck of a show?

Think of it as The Real World on acid. They take 8 “bad girls” and stick them all in a Hollywood mansion for 4 months, taping their every movement as they strip, screw, drink, and beat the crap out of each other. It has GOT to be the least redeeming thing ever put on television.

And I CANNOT get enough.

In last night’s episode, things got off to a real bang as the girls realized that no one had the key to their new mansion, so they did what any normal person would do….. namely break a window and let themselves in. We also got treated to watch as two of the housemates decided that its more fun to be naked, and practically gang-rape the poor repairman who came to fix their window. To top it all off, there have so far been 3 drunken cat fighting brawls between the gals.

And I’ve only watched the first 30 minutes so far.

What REALLY tickles my funny bone is that this show is on the Oxygen channel!

Isn’t that the channel that is supposed to cater to women and empower them to do whatever the hell you women do? I just don’t get why a supposed pro-women’s television channel would put on something that I really should be paying $24.99 a month for, and should be shipped to me in a nondescript brown paper wrapper.

You know, like the ones I always see in Earl’s mailbox.

Anyway, I cannot say that there is ONE redeeming aspect of the show.

But I’m sorry ladies….. seeing hot, drunk, naked, trashy women make out with each other and tear each others clothes off has a certain something that I find appealing to watch.

If THAT’S what you girls have been fighting for all this time, then I’M WITH YOU!

My Tivo aches in anticipation for the rest of the season.

Should I or Shouldn’t I?

I realize that there are certainly bigger problems in the world, but I have been going back and forth on this one for 2 weeks now, so I figured I might as well throw the question out there to all you guys and let you decide for me. After all, all this worrying could add possibly add a wrinkle to my near perfect face.

Then NOBODY wins!

Anyway, if you have been coming here for any amount of time, you know that I am, without question, a technology whore. If the new latest and greatest gadget comes rolling down the assembly line, then I am inevitably the first idiot who runs out and pays way too much so I can call it my own.

I had a DVD player before anyone knew what the hell they were (over 10 years ago now), I bought a beta version of TIVO before they even were really selling any, my computer is constantly being upgraded to keep it bleeding edge… you get the picture.

So, about 5 years ago I decided to take the early plunge into High Definition TV, and got myself a quite sexy 65’’ widescreen TV that I paid a mint for and has been serving me faithfully ever since.

Then this summer, if you recall, I got myself a Playstation 3, so I could begin to upgrade my extensive movie collection to the newer and shinier Blu-Ray.

Here’s my problem…..

Although my TV plays my new Blu-Ray DVD’s fine and dandy, I was dismayed to discover that the picture quality was not really any better than a good “regular” DVD. I’ve tried changing just about every setting known to man, but I still wasn’t seeing true high-definition in my new DVDs.

And then I discovered the problem. Because my TV is now 5 years old, my resolution is only 1080i, while newer TV’s clock in at 1080p. I’m not going to bore you with the specifics, but basically, while both can display high definition, only models with 1080p will show Blu-Ray movies in all their high-def goodness, while MY set will only show it at regular DVD quality.

This simply will not do.

Or will it? Over the past 2 weeks I have literally almost bought 5 brand new televisions. Every time I’m about to pull the trigger, my conscience opens its big fat mouth and tells me that I am being a child for spending so much money when I have a perfectly good TV at home already.

So I leave the store, aggravated that I didn’t buy my new dream set.

And the next day, I pick a different store, and almost buy a new TV all over again.

This has become a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to break.

So I figured, why don’t I just do what I ALWAYS do when I have a tough decision to make?

Namely, let someone else decide for me.

So there you go, guys and girls.... the ball is now in your court.

Do I make myself extremely happy and get myself my new dream TV this week, basically just so I can watch Iron Man flying through the sky in high definition goodness, or do I pretend to be a sensible adult and just live with what I have?

Whatever I decide, it’s gonna be all YOUR fault!

Kids Say The Darndest Things

The following was an actual conversation i had last night with Mini-Slyde.....

MS: Daddy, if you throw money into a Wishing Well and make a wish, how come it doesn't come true?

Slyde: Well, they come true sometimes.

MS: No they don't!

Slyde: Yes they do. It doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes what you wish for DOES come true.

MS: No it doesn't!

Slyde: Sweetheart, yes it does. Sometimes you just have to try wishing for it again.

MS: THEN WHY DON'T I HAVE THREE EYEBALLS YET??????????

And with that, he stormed out of the room, pissed off.

Hope everyone had a fun Thanksgiving.

Turkey Bits

See what i did there with the title?

This is gonna be a bullet post, and what are "bullet posts" anyway, but little "bits" of information. Plus, since it's Thanksgiving tomorrow here in the States, I masterfully put it all together and came up with title "Turkey Bits".

Damn, that is SO clever! Sometimes, while I'm staring longingly in the mirror at myself, i wonder why God blessed me with not only the perfect face and the body of an Adonis, but also with the razer sharp intellect of a veritable genius. It's almost too much awesomeness for one person to contain.

God made me humble, too. Don't forget humble.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, bullets....

- Once again I have to apologize for not reading ANY of your blogs this week. I just checked Google reader and i am behind on about 52 Gazillion blogs. I just don't understand why you people have to be so selfish to continue to post when I am off from work and don't wish to waste my cherished personal time (as opposed to my near-worthless "work" time) to go through all your stuff. Anyway, there is NO way I'll get to them all. Please don't hate me for it, and please don't hate me because I'm beautiful. I promise to resume my regular schedule of leaving 4th-Grade-level comments on all of your blogs next week.

-I have tried to put my recent distrust of all things electronic to rest, and have bought myself a new GPS and am having the Wii fixed. To pay for these new additions to the family, I cashed in my change jar, and with grandpa's contribution, managed to cash in almost $600! Can you believe that shit? That change that you find under your couch cushions after you host a Friday night Swinger's Orgy really DOES add up.

P.S. I'm just using a Swingers Orgy as an example. I'm pretty sure that hosting ANY kind of party at your place will result in finding loose change. I haven't tested that theory yet, but i promise to do so as soon as Swinging and Orgies start to get old for me.

-Today i continued to make a run for my Perfect Dad award and took my son to see Bolt in 3-D. It was pretty fun for the little tyke, but i cant help but feel glum that in the course of a little more than a decade, John Travolta has gone from a bad-ass hit man in Pulp Fiction to a 3-D cartoon dog that misses his owner. Then again, before that he starred in THREE "Look Who's Talking" movies so maybe he's just finally come full circle.

-After being hounded by friends week after week over the fact that no one can believe that I am not on Facebook, I finally took the plunge and registered.

My God! Within 2 hours i was getting friends requests by people i haven't seen in Eons! Old school buddies, girlfriends.... it's been a veritable walk down memory lane. And kinda fun, too. If any of you are registered (which is probably most of you), do please look me up. I want to add more friends. I'm kinda vain like that (hard to believe, right?).

-As i said, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Not one of my favorite holidays, but it's a day off work so I'll fucking take it. I actually have an old tradition that i used to do as a kid, and i seem to have passed it on to my son.

Tomorrow morning while we watch the Macy's day parade, we will sit with paper and crayons in hand and draw a picture of a pilgrim, which we then put on the refrigerator while we enjoy our Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not sure how i started that back when i was wee little Slyde, but i actually am kinda tickled that my son has picked it up.

Maybe Thanksgiving isn't too bad after all.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

Electronics Are Not My Friend

I owe you guys an update, right?

Let's see, where to start?

Manhattan was as cold as a fucking icebox. After some hilarity actually attempting to get into the building (i say it was "hilarity", but if i told you it would not be the least BIT funny. It's one of those "you had to be there" things, so I'll skip it. Let's move on, shall we?), i finally got to meet my new jefe.

Overall, he seemed like a decent enough bloke. He asked me where i saw myself within the organization, and what I wanted out of the job that i wasn't currently getting. I was completely honest with him, so maybe in the end something positive will come from the experience.

At the end of the meeting, in an almost offhand way, he mentioned if, should it ever come up, how i would feel about working full time in New York City. He assured me up and down that it was not on the table, and neither he nor the company are pushing for such a move, but he just wanted to know how i felt about it. I explained to him, in the nicest possible terms, that i thought that working in the city full time sucked balls. I didn't actually use those words, but that was the gist. He seemed to understand my dislike for ball sucking, and let it drop with that.

I'm not concerned, but something to keep in the back of my mind, surely.

So, feeling pretty good about myself, i headed on back to the Long Island railroad to get my frozen ass home.

Once back on the island, i walked back to my car to head home. As i'm closing my car door, i noticed a second too late that my bag that i had brought with me to NYC was slightly hanging out of my car door.

The bag that contained, among other things, my $300 GPS.

I heard a sickening "crunch" as the door slammed onto it. I had my eyes closed with dread as i reached my hand into the bag, only to have my fears realized.

My GPS is toast. And it's 100% due to my own stupidity.

So I went home in a pretty foul mood.

My mood got a second coating of crappiness the second i walked in the house, as my son was crying that our WII was broken. Sure enough, it no longer reads any CD you put into it.

So, in the space of about 15 minutes, i suddenly found myself about $600 in the hole.

Saturday, i tried to forget about my electronic troubles and took my son HERE.

Seeing the look on his little face as Moosletoe pranced around stage took my mind off of my recent run of bad luck.....

....at least for an afternoon.

p.s. As i mentioned last week, i took this entire week off of work. Strangely enough, i do about 99.9999% of my blogging during company hours, so if i don't hit up all of your great blogs too much this week, please don't hold it against me (on the other hand, if you have a hot body, then by all means hold THAT against me, anytime. I'm easy.)

The Big City Blues

My new boss called me this week to tell me that he wants to see me tomorrow.

This sucks on many levels.

Firstly, I had planned to take tomorrow off. I still have a BOATLOAD of time that I need to take off before the end of the year, and I never seem to be able to take the days I want. As of now, I am taking ALL of next week off (thanksgiving week for us here in the ol’ U.S.), and the 2 weeks before Christmas, but I still have like 6 days I need to schedule or I’ll lose them. I considered asking him to reschedule, but I thought better than asking my new boss who I haven’t even met yet that I can manage to see him 2 weeks from now. I’m intuitive like that.

Secondly, he works in our Manhattan office, which means it’s a 1 ½ - 2 hour commute (each way) for me tomorrow, instead of my normal 6 mile drive. To make matters worse, they just changed our security badges here, so I know my current one will not even get me access into the building. I have emailed my illustrious new boss 2 times already asking him how I can actually meet up with him, but he has not as of yet troubled himself to respond. Maybe I’ll just bring a big boom box tomorrow and hold it over my head outside the window to his skyscraper.

Thirdly, MY NEW BOSS WANTS TO MEET ME! Hello? That just sucks no matter WHERE you work. I can handle a typical meet-and-greet no problem, but I am dreading a possible conversation where he tells me why I need to be in NYC more often. That type of conversation would turn ugly. I did the Wall Street thing for a year back in the 90’s. It’s not for me. I am, and always will be, a child of the suburbs.

Lastly, he just called and told me he now has a scheduling conflict and can’t meet me till 4pm. 4PM!!! By the time I fight the rush-hour blood-thirsty hoard coming home tomorrow, it’s going to be at LEAST 7pm. That really cuts into my play time with the wee one (my son, not my penis, although I’m betting that getting home so late will adversely affect both).

So that’s it, I guess. If I can make it through tomorrow with good news (or at least not bad news), then I can console myself with a full week off to relax and paint my toenails (did I just say that out loud?)

Wish me luck.

The Other Side

Last grandfather post, I promise.

There was one thing that happened that weekend that I hadn’t talked about until now, and it honestly is freaking me out a little bit.

As some of you know, I’ve been having some trouble sleeping the past few months. I keep getting this damn persistent back pain, and it often wakes me up in the middle of the night. It probably has to do with me being so perfectly chiseled and muscular. Honestly, I should start being a model for anatomy classes... my physique is THAT perfect.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, sleeping.

To help me sleep sometimes when the back pain has been exceptionally bad, my doctor gave me some Vicadin. Have you guys tried this stuff? It’s fucking awesome! They should just sell it out of candy dispensers at the supermarket!

Anyway, once in a while, when my back really hurts, I take one at night.

And when I DO take one, I am OUT for the night. I mean OUT. You CANNOT wake me up when I’m under the spell of one of these puppies.

My back was hurting pretty badly, so I took one the night before my grandfather died.

That night, for the first time ever when I took a vicodin, I bolted up in bed in the middle of the night. I felt like I just HAD to wake up. I looked at the clock, and it was 3:00 AM exactly. I stayed up for a few minutes, trying to understand why the vicodin didn’t put me under its usual spell, before I finally drifted back off to sleep.

The next morning was when we found my grandfather in the kitchen. He’d apparently gotten up in the middle of the night. The coroner never did an autopsy, so we were never sure of the exact time of death.

Now let me just say for the record that I am NOT a believer in the supernatural. Things have happened in my life which I cannot understand. Maybe I will talk of them one day. But, as much as I’d like to believe that my grandfather somehow reached out to me in the middle of the night as he died, I just chalked this up to an eerie happenstance.

Until last night.

My step-sister-in-law called me from Alabama to see how I was doing. We are not very close, but she’s a pretty nice chick, and we get on well enough. She is a very spiritual person. She’s into the whole supernatural thing, has been involved with her share of séances, palm readers, that sort of thing. She also cared a great deal for my grandfather.

She called to ask me if I knew what time he died exactly. When I asked her why, she told me that the night he died, she bolted out of bed at exactly what would have been 3am our time, and couldn’t fall back asleep. She said she had had a vision of my grandfather.

How’s that to put a chill down your spine?

I am still not going to say I believe in this ‘other side’ stuff, but I am smart enough to know that there are things in this world that we are not smart enough to as yet understand.

For now, I’m content to leave it at that.

Addendum:
I finally finished counting the coins in my grandfather’s change bucket. For everyone who had asked me how much money was in there, the total came to $150.00. $150.00 EXACTLY! To the penny. How weird is that?